The Last Drop

 

THE LAST DROP (Or: The Flight of the Tea Pig)

Genre: Sci-Fi Satire / Tragicomedy 

Setting: Białystok, Poland (formerly known as "The Green Lung", now "New Surrey"). 

It is Year 2077. Global warming plays havoc with the planet. Great Britain is no more. The remnants of the once Supreme Nation live in exile, mostly in Poland.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

1. COMMANDER LOVAGE: Captain of the transgalactic-class transporter HMS Tea Pig. Aristocratic, desperate, hopelessly out of touch.The great-grandson of the original Lord Lovage. Still wearing tweed, but it's a spacesuit. He has never touched "soil" in his life.

2. THE QUEEN (A.I.): The Ship’s Computer. Voice of a tired, cynical and slightly corrupted Helen Mirren.

3. BAZYLI CHRZAN: Local farmer. Pragmatic. Speaks "Ponglish" (Polish-English hybrid). Unimpressed by technology. Unimpressed by aliens (both xenomorph and earthly “moygrants”). Just wants to smoke his cigarette.

4. MR. GOŹDZIKIEWICZ: The Mechanic. Speaks only Polish dialect. A wizard with a hammer.

5. MRS. ROSEMARY & MR. THYME: Expats. Living in a block of Soviet-era flats, pretending it’s a colonial outpost. They like sitting on the balcony dressed in full tweed safari gear and pith helmets. Drinking tea from chipped Royal Doulton china.
   They miss the "Good Old Days" (which they never actually lived through). They view the Apocalypse as "terribly inconvenient."
   They want to leave Earth because Białystok has become "too cheerful". They long for a planet with constant drizzle and social repression.

6. GARY "GINGER" ROOT: The Chav. He parades in tracksuit bottoms and topless with a gold chain thick enough to anchor a ship. Holding a can of "Cyber-Stella" lager. Local "entrepreneur". 

7. KING PARSLEY I: The Exiled Monarch (Cameo). The only royal left on Earth. Resides in a garage in Suwałki.

8. MUĆKA: A cow. The most valuable organism in the sector.

ACT 1, SCENE 1: CODE RED (OR BEIGE)

(Interior of HMS Tea Pig. We are seeing the bridge. It is round and decorated like a Victorian drawing room, but with buttons. Alarms blare in a polite, symphonic tone. Red lights are flashing rhythmically.)

THE QUEEN (A.I.): (Waking up the ship’s commander from cryosleep) Commander. We have a catastrophic failure. 

COMMANDER LOVAGE: (Still cold, fuzzy and desperate for tea and full English breakfast) Report, Your Majesty! Are the engines failing? Is it the oxygen scrubbers?

THE QUEEN: Worse, Commander. The milk reserves for tea are depleted. The UHT reserves have curdled.

COMMANDER LOVAGE:

(Eyes wide with terror, immediately awake)

Depleted?! You mean... we are facing a... Black Tea Scenario? Is there no powdered substitute?

THE QUEEN: Only the vegan oat-sludge, Sir.

COMMANDER LOVAGE: (Gasping)

I cannot drink it black! I am not a savage or some European!

(Slams a button)

Initiate Code Beige! Emergency landing! Where is the nearest colony of civilised life?

THE QUEEN: Scanning...

Most of the UK is currently a coral reef. London is a car park for Tesla submarines.

However... I detect a settlement.
Sector: Eastern Europe.

Location: Białystok. Also known as "New Surrey".

Atmosphere: Smells of diesel and fried cod.

They have... Cows.

COMMANDER LOVAGE:

Cows? Live, lactating beasts?

Set coordinates! Prepare the landing craft! I shall milk this animal personally if I have to!

ACT 1, SCENE 2: THE LANDING (FIRST CONTACT)

(A field of cabbages outside Białystok. In the background, we see the skyline: Neon signs saying "YE OLDE KEBAB" and "TESCO EXPRESS".

The ship crashes into a cabbage field with a sound like a giant tea tray falling down stairs and crushing a scarecrow. BAZYLI CHRZAN leans on a hoe. Enter LOVAGE, smoking from the crash. He descends the ramp and holding an empty porcelain teacup and a saucer.)

COMMANDER LOVAGE: Greetings Earthling! I am Commander Lovage of the HMS Tea Pig. Take me to your udders! I mean... your leader! Or your Dairy Manager!
(He points at the cow)
Is that... a bovine milk-producing unit?

BAZYLI CHRZAN: Yes. Cow. Mućka. She produce... milk. And manure. Mostly manure today. No leader here. Only me.

(Looks at the smoking ship) Panoczku, you park very bad. Cabbage is kaput. 

COMMANDER LOVAGE:

Cabbage is of no importance to my mission.  I require access to the udders. Immediately. My tea is steeping, and every second without milk increases the tannins to unacceptable levels!

BAZYLI CHRZAN: Wade a minute, panoczku. Not so fast.

First, what is your name? Lo-vage? Like the soup herb?

COMMANDER LOVAGE: It is pronounced Lo-VAAJH. It is French-Norman in origin! And who might you be, my good man?

BAZYLI CHRZAN: I am Bazyli Chrzan.

COMMANDER LOVAGE: Bazyli... K-shhh... K-zzz... Kh-run? Crustacean?
(Coughs) Good heavens, man, are you missing a vowel? Did you lose them in the war? Well, never mind. I need milk! 

BAZYLI CHRZAN: Chrzan. C-H-R-Z-A-N. Like the spicy root. Horseradish. You British... you come here, you take our jobs, you crash on my cabbage, and you can't even say my name.
(He pets the cow)
You want milk? Twenty pound.

COMMANDER LOVAGE: Twenty pounds?! That is extortion! That is highway robbery!

(He checks his pockets)

I have no currency. I have... influence! I have a lineage!

BAZYLI CHRZAN: Influence don't buy potatoes.

But... I like your suit. Is that Harris Tweed?

COMMANDER LOVAGE: (Offended)

It is Space-Grade Kevlar-Tweed! It is bulletproof and breathable!

BAZYLI CHRZAN: Good. Give me jacket. You get milk. Deal? Or you drink tea black. Like barbarians.

COMMANDER LOVAGE: (Looks at the tea cup. Looks at the jacket. Looks at the cow.)

(A single tear rolls down his cheek)

...The Queen will never know.

(He starts unbuttoning the jacket)

Very well, Mr. Crustacean. Hand over the beast.

BAZYLI CHRZAN: (Gives the tether to Lovage)
You break something in your sheep when landing. (He kicks a piece of the hull) Yes, sheep is big problem. Very expensive. But... I have cousin. Goździkiewicz. He fix. He make it... igła. Like new.

COMMANDER LOVAGE: (looking at the rear end)
Indeed, the stabilisers are all in pieces! “Eegua"? Is that advanced nanotechnology?

BAZYLI CHRZAN: Yes. Very advanced. Polish nano-hammer technology.

ACT 1, SCENE 3: THE REPAIR (LOST IN TRANSLATION)

(The Workshop. MR. GOŹDZIKIEWICZ hits the hull with a wrench. CLANG!)

GOŹDZIKIEWICZ: (Spits) Panie, co tu się odjaniepawliło? Toż to aluminium z puszek po piwie. Ale się wyklepie. Szpachla, trytytka i będzie latać jak szatan.

LOVAGE: Computer! Translate! What is his technical diagnosis?

THE QUEEN (A.I.): (Glitching) Processing... Language detected: Advanced Eastern-Polish Dialect. He says... "What has... de-John-Paul-ed here?" He claims the hull is made of... beer receptacles. He suggests applying... "The Holy Putty" and "The Plastic Ties of Eternity". He promises it will fly like... Satan? (Sparks fly) Bzzzzz... Bzzzzz... Translation Error. Logic Circuit Overload.

LOVAGE: Satanic Putty? Splendid! Proceed, Mr. Godzilla-wicz!

INTERMISSION

(A voice-over reads a sound system) "Ladies and Gentlemen. While Mr. Goździkiewicz applies the 'szpachla' (bondo/body filler), please enjoy a warm beverage. Note: The theatre bar does not serve tea with milk. This is Poland. Eat your pickle and be quiet."

ACT 2, SCENE 1: THE EXILES OF NEW SURREY

(A balcony in Białystok. MRS. ROSEMARY sips tea black, grimacing. MR. THYME is trying to butter a cracker with shoe polish because they ran out of Marmite.)

MRS. ROSEMARY: It is simply barbaric, Thyme. They call this "Sour Milk". Zsiadłe. It is rotten! And this... democracy. Everyone has an opinion. It is chaotic.

MR. THYME: I miss the King, Rosemary.  He always did such a good job. But I hear His Majesty Parsley is hiding in Suwałki. In a storage unit. Guarding the Crown Jewels from the locals.

MRS. ROSEMARY: There is hope. Look, Thyme. Do you see it? (pointing at the cloudless sky). That brownish smudge in the Alpha Centauri sector. That is "New Albion". They say the rain falls horizontally there and our government in exile is preparing an evacuation.

MR. THYME: (Sighs wistfully)

Sounds like paradise, Rosemary. Paradise. I cannot bear this Polish place anymore. It is too… optimistic and improvised. And the sun yesterday - I turned pink in 10 minutes of exposure. It was ghastly. I miss proper rain.

(GARY "GINGER" ROOT enters, topless, holding a boombox.)

GARY GINGER ROOT: Oi, Grandad! Wagwan, fam? I was tryna deep the Jeremy Kyle: Hologram Edition, innit? Just gettin' to the DNA test, yeah? Then I hear all this mad racket. Thought it was the Feds, didn't I? Proper bricked it, swear down. My heart was doin' 180, blud. Then I clock this mad whip outside! You seen it? Mandem sayin’ it’s off to New Albion. So I grabbed the Bossman here – safe geezer, trust.

LOVAGE: (Enters, triumphant and puzzled, looking at MRS. ROSEMARY)
I... I do not understand. Is he speaking Klingon?

MRS. ROSEMARY: (Tearfully)
No, Commander. It is the Queen’s English. The pure, ancient dialect of Croydon. He is saying you are leading a rescue mission heading to New Albion. Is that true? Are we saved?

LOVAGE: Indeed we are, my dear compatriot! The HMS Tea Pig is repaired! (It smells of glue, but it flies). We are leaving this godforsaken continent. We are going to New Albion!

MRS. ROSEMARY: New Albion (makes dreamy eyes). Tell us, Commander! Is it... proper?

LOVAGE: It is perfection! The volcanoes erupt with hot Marmite! The rivers flow with Worcestershire Sauce! The atmosphere is a thick, psychotropic fog of pure nostalgia! And... there are no foreigners. Only us. Alone. Forever.

GARY GINGER ROOT: Marmite volcanoes? Swear down? That sounds bare mental, bruv. But yo, is there gravity, innit? Or we just floatin' about like absolute donuts?

LOVAGE: Who cares about gravity when you have Sovereignty?! Pack your bags! We stop at Suwałki to pick up the King!

ACT 2, SCENE 2: THE DEPARTURE (FINALE)

(The ship is revving. MR. GOŹDZIKIEWICZ waves, wiping oil on a rag. KING PARSLEY I runs aboard clutching a velvet bag.)

LOVAGE: All aboard! Goodbye, Mr…. Chrrrszzzzz… Crustacean! Goodbye, Mr. Godzilla-wicz! Keep your pickles and your sour milk! We go to build a new Empire! (Whispers to Computer) Did we load the cow?

THE QUEEN: The cow is in Cargo Bay 3, Commander. She is currently eating the Crown Jewels.

LOVAGE: No matter! Engagement! Blast off!

(The ship launches, leaving a trail of black smoke and Bondo dust. Goździkiewicz and Chrzan watch.)

BAZYLI CHRZAN: Polecieli. Myślisz, że ta szpachla wytrzyma w nadświetlnej? (They’re gone. You think that body filler will hold at warp speed?)

GOŹDZIKIEWICZ: Do Księżyca doleci. A potem... to już nie nasz problem. Gwarancja jest do bramy. (It’ll make it to the Moon. After that... not our problem. The warranty expires at the gate.)

CURTAIN.